01.06.2014 09:40 PM

In Tuesday’s Sun: my 2014 political wish list

It’s not often that a Conservative provides me with inspiration. But it’s a shiny new year and I am uncharacteristically full of political hope and optimism. Begone, nattering nabobs of negativity!

The source of my inspiration, as frosty and frigid 2014 makes its debut? None other than the Conservative Party’s happiest happy warrior, Monte Solberg. In a party chock full of angry old white guys, Monte is that rarest of exceptions: He is a happy young white guy.

Monte wrote a column this week in which he detailed his political wish list for 2014. I found it inspirational.

Ahem. Having used up more than 100 words to get to this point, I offer, without further delay, my own political wish list for 2014.

Stephen Harper: My wish for the prime minister in the new year is that he makes a decision, once and for all, about walking in the snow. For weeks now, the Kremlinologists in the media — and, er, Yours Truly — have been speculating ad nauseam, ad infinitum, about whether Harper would make the cliched “walk in the snow,” a la Pierre Trudeau, and pack it in.

I’m pretty sure he won’t. But if I’m wrong — and I usually am — I advise the Conservative leader to don proper footwear; 2014 is already colder than a flattened frog on a Manitoba back road in February. He needs to bundle up as he takes his walk in the snow.

Justin Trudeau: My wish for the youthful Liberal leader is that, basically, he stops being so young. Like all young people, he is a risk-taker and occasionally reckless. That’s all well and good when you are in high school, but when you aspire to be prime minister, it ain’t.

Justin needs to become a bit boring. Wear darker suits. Be less flamboyant when speaking. Trim those Herculean locks. Spray some grey on those sideburns.

And, for the love of God, don’t ever say another word about marijuana policy. The last guys to do that were Cheech and Chong, and it didn’t help them politically, did it?

Thomas Mulcair: I wish happiness for the NDP leader, I really do. As in, I wish Thomas Mulcair, nee Angry Tom, would experience happiness for the first time in his life. Ever.

Listen Tom, Ottawa is ridiculous. It is where much gets said, but little gets done. It is Hollywood for ugly people. You need to loosen your collar, lose a bit of weight and smile a bit.

Not that smile you currently use, which is reminiscent of the horrifying grimace on the faces of mummies in the Ancient Egypt exhibit at the Met in New York.

Oh, and the beard. Lose it. The last bearded guy to get elected president was William Howard Taft, more than 100 years ago.

Think about that next time you are picking yesterday’s lunch out of your moustache, big guy.

The media: I wish we would be less preoccupied with scandal.

As The Most Infamous Canadian™, Rob Ford, has shown, scandal doesn’t matter to voters. Smoke crack? Drink and drive? Lie your face off? Nobody cares.

What they care about is the little things — whether you regularly show up to work mid-afternoon, whether you shame your spouse in public, whether you knock over little old ladies. (All of which Rob Ford has done, by the way.)

That’s my wish list for 2014. Clip and save.

(Oh, and I also wish Monte doesn’t get mad at me for stealing his idea.)

 

 

7 Comments

  1. Robin says:

    Monte is happy only because ignorance is bliss and being delusional and disingenuous seem to be compatible traits. One of his wishes is:

    “1. We need pipelines constructed so we can deliver oil to the U.S. and offshore. Canada’s oilsands are an amazing resource.

    But without new pipelines and markets, the price we receive for oil is deeply discounted and Canadian companies, governments, investors and workers lose billions in revenues.

    It also means we subsidize the Americans by providing them with cheap oil. Oh, and those people who object to fossil fuels should do the principled thing and quit using them.”

    He was elected on a promise NEVER to accept the gold plated MP pension however, once elected and eligible, he signed up; now, Monte receives $93,000.00 annually, indexed to inflation, from taxpayers. I support MP pensions but not politicians who publicly and vociferously criticize other MPs who are the parents of young people for accepting the pensions then do it themselves.

    Now, Monte has temerity to suggest that “people who object to fossil fuels should do the PRINCIPLED thing and quit using them.” As if he is the paragon of virtue; what a sanctimonious hypocrite.

    Besides, as Andrew Nikiforuk points out: this is like slave owners in the US prior to 1860 stating – don’t wear cotton if you don’t support slavery!!! Absurd. And he held public office and now taxpayers will give him over $4 million if he lives to be 95.

    Integrity, Monte, integrity. You had a chance to demonstrate that you have it.

  2. frmr disgruntled Con now happy Lib says:

    I doubt if Dear Leader is going to take a walk in the snow……but some of his security detail definitely will…….http://t.news.ca.msn.com/top-stories/protester-sean-devlin-tells-how-he-got-onstage-with-pm

  3. You know, if Rob Ford can still do so well in the polls, perhaps you should not write off Tommy Chong as a prospective political force. Hard to say whether he would be an electoral asset or not. And that conviction? If smokin crack is ok, then a conviction for selling water pipes and paraphenalia across state lines should not be an issue.

  4. Kevin T. says:

    For the record, Cheech is a Jeopardy winner and Chong is Alberta born, so it this could be the good kind of political chill.

  5. Tim says:

    MacDonald and Laurier both proved you can rock the “Herculian locks” and be a great PM all at the same time.

    I’m not sure about a PM with a bowl haircut though. He’s the one who’s needing hairstyle pointers.

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