Justin Trudeau here. Remember me?
You were in love with me once. You put me on the cover of Rolling Stone. The Washington Post once called me “the anti-Trump.” The Christian Science Monitor wondered if I was “Canada’s JFK.” USA Today wrote that I had “charm, good looks, and progressive policies on feminism and diversity.”
Well, that was then and this is now, I guess.
I won’t bother to repeat some of the things you say about me now, World. They’re not very nice.
I mean, sure, my feminism took a bit of hit when, um, it was alleged that I groped a female reporter. But I repeat what I told her: I wouldn’t have done so if she had told me she was a writer for a national newspaper!
And, OK, Donald Trump and I both arguably obstructed justice — him for cronies, and me for a Liberal party donor being prosecuted for corruption. Sure. But he was impeached, and I wasn’t!
And, yes, my diversity credentials aren’t what they used to be. Lying about where I was on the day I set aside for Indigenous Truth and Reconciliation — and instead jetting off to a surfer’s beach in Tofino, and lounging at an $18-million mansion — wasn’t so progressive, I suppose. But I expressed “regret”! Isn’t that enough, World?
Anyway, World, we are BFFs no more. We aren’t besties like we used to be. I acknowledge that, and know who is to blame.
You, World. You are to blame. I’m the same guy — same chiselled jaw, same flowing locks. It’s you who has changed, World.
And I am serving my revenge, um, hot, World. My revenge is Melanie Joly.
You don’t know much about Melanie, now, but I guarantee you will, soon enough. She’s going to leave an impression on you, and you’re not going to like it.
Here’s a sampling of Melanie Joly’s gravest hits, World. Not one of these is made up.
Canada’s 150th birthday celebrations. Countries only turn 150 once — but Melanie, as minister responsible, turned ours into an unmitigated fiasco. Indigenous youth protested it, and citizens hated it, and even wrote to me about it. A sampling: “I have never seen such a poor, chaotic display. Shame on you Ottawa.” And: “Please, (Minister Joly), I beg you to step out of your protective shell and acknowledge what a mess Canada Day was and take some responsibility for it.” And: “Time for you to resign!” Ouch.
The Netflix fiasco. Melanie gifted the streaming giant tax-free status for a piddling amount of investment in Canada’s cultural sector — including in her home province, Quebec. The media weren’t impressed. The Globe and Mail said Melanie’s “fall from grace has been swift and merciless, sped by her maladroit attempts to sell a deal with Netflix.” The National Post noted that she had been “savaged in Quebec media, artistic and political circles.” And her hometown paper, the Journal de Montreal, said she sounds “like a living answering machine having a nervous breakdown.” Double ouch.
Ottawa Holocaust Monument.Melanie commissioned one, but she forgot something. The Washington Post noticed: “(Joly) forgot to mention Jews on the new Holocaust monument dedication plaque.” Oops.
Parliament Hill hockey rink. Melanie had a rink built on Parliament Hill, which was nice. Not nice: The rink (a) prohibited the playing of hockey; (b) was going to be in existence for less than a month; and (c) was a block from the biggest skating rink in the world, the Rideau Canal. Oh, and this, from the Toronto Star: “The rink is budgeted to cost about $215,385 per day that it’s open.” That worked out to about $300 per skater. Ouch, ouch, ouch!
Anyway, you get the picture, World. If you’re not nice to me anymore, I’m not going to be nice to you. So, I give you Melanie Joly, the worst cabinet minister in the history of Canada.
Take that, World.