It’s not often that a Conservative provides me with inspiration. But it’s a shiny new year and I am uncharacteristically full of political hope and optimism. Begone, nattering nabobs of negativity!
The source of my inspiration, as frosty and frigid 2014 makes its debut? None other than the Conservative Party’s happiest happy warrior, Monte Solberg. In a party chock full of angry old white guys, Monte is that rarest of exceptions: He is a happy young white guy.
Monte wrote a column this week in which he detailed his political wish list for 2014. I found it inspirational.
Ahem. Having used up more than 100 words to get to this point, I offer, without further delay, my own political wish list for 2014.
Stephen Harper: My wish for the prime minister in the new year is that he makes a decision, once and for all, about walking in the snow. For weeks now, the Kremlinologists in the media — and, er, Yours Truly — have been speculating ad nauseam, ad infinitum, about whether Harper would make the cliched “walk in the snow,” a la Pierre Trudeau, and pack it in.
I’m pretty sure he won’t. But if I’m wrong — and I usually am — I advise the Conservative leader to don proper footwear; 2014 is already colder than a flattened frog on a Manitoba back road in February. He needs to bundle up as he takes his walk in the snow.
Justin Trudeau: My wish for the youthful Liberal leader is that, basically, he stops being so young. Like all young people, he is a risk-taker and occasionally reckless. That’s all well and good when you are in high school, but when you aspire to be prime minister, it ain’t.
Justin needs to become a bit boring. Wear darker suits. Be less flamboyant when speaking. Trim those Herculean locks. Spray some grey on those sideburns.
And, for the love of God, don’t ever say another word about marijuana policy. The last guys to do that were Cheech and Chong, and it didn’t help them politically, did it?
Thomas Mulcair: I wish happiness for the NDP leader, I really do. As in, I wish Thomas Mulcair, nee Angry Tom, would experience happiness for the first time in his life. Ever.
Listen Tom, Ottawa is ridiculous. It is where much gets said, but little gets done. It is Hollywood for ugly people. You need to loosen your collar, lose a bit of weight and smile a bit.
Not that smile you currently use, which is reminiscent of the horrifying grimace on the faces of mummies in the Ancient Egypt exhibit at the Met in New York.
Oh, and the beard. Lose it. The last bearded guy to get elected president was William Howard Taft, more than 100 years ago.
Think about that next time you are picking yesterday’s lunch out of your moustache, big guy.
The media: I wish we would be less preoccupied with scandal.
As The Most Infamous Canadian™, Rob Ford, has shown, scandal doesn’t matter to voters. Smoke crack? Drink and drive? Lie your face off? Nobody cares.
What they care about is the little things — whether you regularly show up to work mid-afternoon, whether you shame your spouse in public, whether you knock over little old ladies. (All of which Rob Ford has done, by the way.)
That’s my wish list for 2014. Clip and save.
(Oh, and I also wish Monte doesn’t get mad at me for stealing his idea.)