Sun headline writers are the best. No debate.
Johnny, come lately.
Better lately than never. But step lively. We need you, real bad.
We need your charisma. (I can’t believe I just said that. John Tory is to charisma what a Habs fan is to table manners.)
But, man, this mayoralty race sucks.
It’s silly. It’s given me a headache and a recurring nightmare in which David Miller smirks, proclaims ‘what the hell, this’ll be a cakewalk’ and rejoins the fray. I awake in a cold sweat.
So, jump in, John. The water’s warm.
Five good reasons right off the bat: George Smitherman, Joe Pantalone, Rocco Rossi, Rob Ford, Sarah Thomson. Ten others:
1. You’ll win.
2. We Canadians appreciate losers who don’t quit. Classy, likeable losers. The Jamaican bobsled team. Joe Clark. You, John.
In Toronto, especially, losing is no shame, it’s just good experience. We’ve lost more Olympics, world’s fairs and hockey games than you can shake a stick at.
Yet Ivanka Trump sashays into town this week to tour her daddy’s new skyscraper, calls us “one of the world’s greatest cities,” and we beam.
So what if you’re 0-for-3 against David Miller and a couple of measly provincial Liberals?
They sure giants compared to this lot. My neighbour’s chihuahua could be mayor in a romp, except he’s busy crapping on the sidewalk. But he would not beat you, John.
3. Run now, and Rob Ford can gracefully bow out and retake his council seat in Etobicoke.
We do not want Mayor Ford. Sorry, Rob. It’s just not your schtick. Your destiny is to be our civic balloon-pricker, our ant at the City Hall picnic. Boss of a megacity? Uh-uh. Keep pricking.
Mayor Tory would actually heed you, not sneer at you like Mayor Miller’s pinkish mob.
4. Headline writers will love you, JT. “Tory.” It’s short and snappy and has many rhymes. Gory, sorry, glory, quarry, lavatory. John Tory Is Hunky-Dory.
Smitherman? Too long. Here’s the headline: Furious George Fizzles Out.
Plus, a skinhead hasn’t won anything meaningful since Mussolini. That also bodes badly for bald Rocco Rossi. Sarah Thomson? Or is it Thompson? Ford’s a good headline name. In the car section.
5. You’re media savvy. (Let’s ignore your PR pratfall on religious school funding from Queen’s Park).
Your radio spot is good training. We know we’ll hear your calming voice in times of crisis. We haven’t heard from the incumbent since, oh, last fall, which is maybe just as well.
6. Sandra Bussin. Remember her “anonymous” crank call to your show to defend pal Miller? I would pay to see her face at your first council meeting.
Mayor Tory: “Chair recognizes ‘Sandra From Toronto.’”
Counc. Bussin: “Actually, I don’t work for the city.”
“Then what the heck you doing here?”
“Beats me. But good luck to you, John, because you’re a three-time loser. And I don’t see you being successful in the future.”
7. I just can’t take another TV debate with these idiots. They wail, moan, gnash teeth, throw napkins and gang up on each other. Which is fine, if you’re running for mayor of your daycare. I can’t imagine you sticking out your tongue, John Tory.
8. You’re not a bully like Smitherman and that incumbent guy. You’re not a tax-and-spend zombie like Joe Pants. You’re not a slob like Rob. You’re not a backroom boy like Rocco. You’re not a…whatever Sarah Thomson is.
9. I know you’ll reverse those moronic bike lanes on Jarvis St. and Eastern Ave. I just know you will.
10. Mike From Toronto will vote for you.
Run, Johnny, run.