02.18.2011 03:41 PM

Help wanted

Speechwriter Position
Position Summary
The Speechwriter will work with the Communications Department to complete products in a timely manner, often with competing deadlines, and a caucus in a state of perpetual civil war. This involves working with multiple departments, and multiple hidden agendas, to gather the necessary information and incorporating the feedback given by the Director of Communications and the Principal Secretary, as well as Mike Harris and the Ontario Landowners’ Association.

Major duties and responsibilities

  • Write Speeches, Columns, News Releases, and falsify your party’s record, and other products as needed
  • Try and work cooperatively with all departments towards the completion of projects, but end up infighting about just about everything
  • Attend and contribute to interdepartmental meetings with respect to communications products, and always work to ensure that health care, education and human rights are gutted
  • Provide creative support on the Leader’s materials to our audio, video and graphics team, and make stuff up as much as possible
  • Pretend to listen to Rocco Rossi – who, as we all know, got less mayoralty support than Enza the Supermodel

Education & Experience

  • University degree, or (ideally) OLA membership
  • 3-5 years of previous communication experience, or the complete absence of a soul


  • Strong, concise written communications skills are somewhat desirable, but not a prerequisite (cf. our caucus)
  • High attention to detail, such as when expensing the leader’s Chicken McNuggets
  • Firm understanding of current issues and organizational values, which are: cut, slash, and burn
  • Ability to work under pressure while listening to senior leader’s staff scream at each other.  Again.
  • Ability to work long hours in the service of Big Tobacco and Multinational Pharmacies
  • Exceptional multi-tasking skills and ability to prioritize workload, because firing nurses and closing hospitals is a lot of work, you know
  • Ability to use tact, judgment and discretion – qualities that are notably absent within the Ontario PC team (cf. our caucus, Leader)
  • Willingness to screw over PC stalwarts like Norm Stirling, because that was a condition of the dirty deal Tim Hudak did with Randy Hillier

Nature of position: Full time with benefits, until you are flushed by someone close to the Leader, that is, which is highly likely around here
Salary: Commensurate with experience, but nearly as much as you will get flogging ciggies to kids as a Big Tobacco lobbyist, after we lose the election


  1. Brian says:

    I knew it was a fake the moment you spelt Norm Sterling wrong.

    Even the Hillier crew wouldn’t make that mistake. (Would they?)

  2. AmandaM says:

    Dream Job.

    If by “dream”, it means “nightmare”. Although, I hear you can buy things with money, so maybe post-election tobacco lobbying would make life better. 😉

    • Rocco can propose a “Sunshine Organic” label for tobacco products. After all, tobacco comes from the ground. It’s all that other crap that makes cigarettes not good for you.

      Bicycle riding is good for you as Rocco will agree. However, don’t put bike lines on main streets as Rocco suggested.

      We need bike tunnels (or bigger sewers).

  3. Pete says:

    Rocco is giving up his quest to lose another election and wants the job.

  4. ivan says:

    Brilliant to the point of hiliarity!

    As for Skinny Dipper, I agree that tobacco is an honest natural product. Yes, there are additives, but there’s junk science and yellor journalism too on the evils of tobacco.

    It really shouldn’t be a meal ticket for the likes of Gar Mahood (whom I’m tired of supporting). Get a job, Gar!
    As for the Canadian Cancer Society, it may lose is Holy Cow halo once it is disclosed how much charity money is spent on what amounts to behaviour modification in its war against the poor, the smokers who are more often than not obscenely overtaxed by paying a dixie a pack for their cigarettes, most of it tax.

    We are too wimpy here to riot in the streets, but a good old tobacco riot might just raise a media blip.
    And Parkinson’s Law. How many of these party-pooper Goody Two Shoes’ is the Cancer society emmploying?

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