11.07.2023 10:22 AM

Into the wild.

So, it’s absurd to suggest, let alone think, that what I am experiencing in any way compares to what Israeli and Palestinian citizens are experiencing. Their pain is immense and ongoing. They can’t escape it.

But it is also inadvisable, and possibly dangerous, for me to think that I can watch raw footage of 138 Israeli men, women, children and babies get slaughtered by Hamas and not be affected by it.

I thought I could. For days, I had been preparing myself for viewing the video of just some of the events of October 7. I’ve been a police reporter, and I have seen bodies in crime scenes before.

It was arrogant and foolish of me to believe that I could see what I saw and be unaffected by it. When the viewing of the video was over, some of the experienced journalists present were crying. Some, like me, just wanted to get out of the Israeli consulate without speaking to anybody.

Downstairs, my colleague and friend Brian Lilley was waiting for me. He had been worried about me and had said so.

All that Brian needed to do was ask me how I was, and I started weeping. Rosie DiManno from the Star came up to us and was kind. I remember that.

I did a video with Brian’s help, and I look and sound terrible in it. I look like a guy who has seen babies and children get murdered would look, I think.

When Brian and I eventually parted ways, I was uncertain where I was. I could not remember, however much I tried, where my Jeep was. Everything seemed a bit fuzzy and indistinct.

I eventually found the Jeep. It was mistake to drive in that condition, but I had to get to my laptop to hammer out what I had seen. Bear witness, as they say.

After writing, I pointed myself in the direction of home. Friends who know me well started to get in touch with E because they were concerned. She was concerned, too.

But when I heard from some friends with a military background – friends with experience in dealing with these things – I realized that it would be a big mistake to minimize what I was feeling.

My ex-military friends told me to take it seriously, so I intend to do so. And, again: the pain being experienced by innocent Israelis and Palestinians – along with what I saw on that video – is vast. It is beyond words.

But the little that I saw is affecting me, too. I know it.

So, I’m going to unplug and head into the wild for a couple days with the dogs. I need to get my head straight.

And in the meantime, a bit of the Springsteen lyric from Nebraska keeps going through my head, which is as good an explanation for what is happening as any:

There is just a meanness in this world.

5 Comments

  1. Warren,

    Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t take as much as we might think to accurately fall under a PTSD diagnosis. Been there.

    I hope the woods will ever so slowly do you a world of good. I no longer fear for your mental health because I now know, courtesy of this post, that upon your return if you need help you will most assuredly seek and find it.

    Thinking of you during these trying times and also thinking of all of the bereaved families in Israel. A thought also for civilians in Gaza.

    • Gilbert says:

      There is a lot of evil in the world. I hope your words make people realize the horror of what happened and the need to stop hatred.

  2. EsterHazyWasALoser says:

    Your courage and righteousness in standing up for Israel and the Jewish community during this crisis (an existential crisis in my opinion) says so much about your character and your sense of decency. Take as much time as you need to regain your equilibrium. For better or worse though, none of us can escape the satanic evil that Hamas let loose on the world.

  3. Derek Pearce says:

    Be well WK. I for one have been 100%in support of Israel in this and have got some pushback but fuck I’m all in. I gave a donation to the UJA have been outspoken in my support of Israel. Hamas must be destroyed. That’s it.

  4. Suzanne Heft says:

    Thank you for your moral courage and your integrity as a writer and as a human. I hope the County is a balm. A place I love.

    Thank you for supporting the Jewish people in their fight for survival. And for wanting Canadian Jews to live here safely while we still can.

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