Into the wild.

So, it’s absurd to suggest, let alone think, that what I am experiencing in any way compares to what Israeli and Palestinian citizens are experiencing. Their pain is immense and ongoing. They can’t escape it.

But it is also inadvisable, and possibly dangerous, for me to think that I can watch raw footage of 138 Israeli men, women, children and babies get slaughtered by Hamas and not be affected by it.

I thought I could. For days, I had been preparing myself for viewing the video of just some of the events of October 7. I’ve been a police reporter, and I have seen bodies in crime scenes before.

It was arrogant and foolish of me to believe that I could see what I saw and be unaffected by it. When the viewing of the video was over, some of the experienced journalists present were crying. Some, like me, just wanted to get out of the Israeli consulate without speaking to anybody.

Downstairs, my colleague and friend Brian Lilley was waiting for me. He had been worried about me and had said so.

All that Brian needed to do was ask me how I was, and I started weeping. Rosie DiManno from the Star came up to us and was kind. I remember that.

I did a video with Brian’s help, and I look and sound terrible in it. I look like a guy who has seen babies and children get murdered would look, I think.

When Brian and I eventually parted ways, I was uncertain where I was. I could not remember, however much I tried, where my Jeep was. Everything seemed a bit fuzzy and indistinct.

I eventually found the Jeep. It was mistake to drive in that condition, but I had to get to my laptop to hammer out what I had seen. Bear witness, as they say.

After writing, I pointed myself in the direction of home. Friends who know me well started to get in touch with E because they were concerned. She was concerned, too.

But when I heard from some friends with a military background – friends with experience in dealing with these things – I realized that it would be a big mistake to minimize what I was feeling.

My ex-military friends told me to take it seriously, so I intend to do so. And, again: the pain being experienced by innocent Israelis and Palestinians – along with what I saw on that video – is vast. It is beyond words.

But the little that I saw is affecting me, too. I know it.

So, I’m going to unplug and head into the wild for a couple days with the dogs. I need to get my head straight.

And in the meantime, a bit of the Springsteen lyric from Nebraska keeps going through my head, which is as good an explanation for what is happening as any:

There is just a meanness in this world.